The weight of the world was too heavy.
She loved her family, her friends, her church, her Lord...but the weight of the world was too heavy.
We did not know how much pain was constantly inside her head. She was so good at masking it. We could make her laugh at basketball and softball games, at family gatherings. We can only hope those conversations, those times together soothed her soul for a few moments.
I was reading Chorus, by Rebecca Kauffman, when she passed. "I think sometimes you wrestle as long as you must with something. And then somehow you just find a way to end the fight, whether or not you think you've won it, because your heart just can't take any more."
We miss her soft voice, her caring spirit, her love of the land and her gentle presence.
She is watching over us as we can her beets, fix her sweet corn, cut her flowers for arrangements. We look up to see the blue sky tucked in amongst the clouds and yes, she is watching over us.
Whether or not we avoid the discussions, we will always have a void in our hearts.
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Mental Health care is a true crisis affecting all ages. Services for youth are sorely lacking. Stigma is a roadblock. Cost is often prohibitive, not to mention finding a provider; the right provider. Mental healthcare is just that … healthcare, like all other forms!
ReplyDeleteMary, so lovely.
ReplyDeleteI feel this on a deeper level than most can realize. It transcends generations. To see and feel your child experience such trauma...to realize how helpless they feel, to experience their pain. There is nothing in comparison. Helplessness, frustration, downright terror in what the future holds for those you hold so dear...no words.
ReplyDeleteA 13-year-old girl in my immediate circle has been on some heavy antipsychotic medications for more than a year. When she attempted suicide, her parents began the search for inpatient placement. The wait list for anything within driving distance was long. She was in a facility in North Carolina for several months, and now she's in a less restrictive environment in Utah. The cost is astronomical and may bankrupt this family. It's a national crisis.
ReplyDeleteThe mental health providers seem to just want to medicate the problem with their prescription cocktails. Mask the problem with drugs seems to be their solution instead of taking the time to get at the root problem. My comments come from experience of family members who have had real problems. The psychiatrists here in our community spend less than five minutes with their patients and change their meds around and tell them see you next time. That will be $250. Send in the next patient. That's our mental health solution.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, it does seem like that. Here’s a little background that might shed some light. Psychiatrists are very low on the list of physicians’ salaries. As in all major specialties, psychiatrists do not set most of their own fees. Fees are set by insurance companies who have no interest in helping anyone. There has been a desperate shortage of psychiatrists for quite a long time. Psychiatrists in the Midwest have HUGE caseloads as they try to fit in everyone who needs them, and that’s a lot. Pediatric psychiatric services are even more scarce. Appointments are not always short, but when they are, it might be because the patient might also have a therapist, may be doing well on meds, or because a psychiatric emergency has come in. Unlike general ER’s, there are very few places who offer specialized emergency psychiatric care. We are lucky in Lincoln to have Bryan West Emergency Psychiatric Services. They aren’t perfect, but they do an amazing job. To anyone reading this, I blab on because it’s important to seek psychiatric care when you need it. The first doctor may not be a fit, you may need to try several. If it takes a long time to get in, keep the hope long enough to get in (or, if you’re in really bad shape go to ANY ER!). If your appointment is shorter than you like, TELL your provider. It’s ok. They may not know you are feeling slighted. Some folks just want in and out. There IS psychiatric care out there. It CAN help, With the exception of the very few outliers who don’t care (as there are in all jobs), most psychiatrists care very deeply about their patients. None of them went into psychiatry for the money. We have a health care system run by corporations with huge profit margins, and they really don’t care about you (or me). You are important. You do matter. I promise you can get to the other side if you are feeling hopeless. I’ve seen it, I’ve done it, and I care.
DeleteMary. You use beautiful words to talk about the tragedy of mental health and the silence still associated with it. Let us all be hopeful that help can be closer than we think and that we all have empathy for those needing a professional helpful hand
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