Finding My Better Angels

by Penny Costello

Regular readers of this blog know that I am a traumatic brain injury survivor, after sustaining a concussion in a fall eight years ago. As March is Brain Injury Awareness Month, I’m back with yet another chapter on the topic. I’d love for this to be the last time I’ll be compelled to write about it, but I can’t make any promises.

When you research the topic of concussion or Mild Traumatic Brain Injury on the internet, very often you will read that, in the majority of concussion cases, symptoms will resolve in a matter of weeks. But for some, the symptoms can last for months, or even years. In those cases, the condition is referred to as Post Concussion Syndrome. People who live with this condition can experience cognitive difficulties with focus, concentration, task initiation and completion, memory, and self-regulation, along with physical symptoms including headaches, neural fatigue (brain fog), tinnitus, light and sound sensitivity, and irritability. I experience several of these symptoms to this day.

In past lives, I was a sound and lighting engineer, a certified event manager,  a producer at Nebraska’s PBS station, and later, a grant writer and social media specialist for a local nonprofit. In 2013, a year before my injury, I started a freelance video production business as a side hustle, creating video content for start-up businesses.

In the week leading up to my injury, I was in production on a series on Nebraska Public Media called “Now What?”, a panel discussion program broadcast quarterly about elder and dementia care. The particular episode we were producing was titled “Understanding Brain Trauma”. Two of the guests on the panel for that program were Chris Stewart, a Resource Facilitator for the Brain Injury Alliance of Nebraska (BIANE), and Dr. Sanjay Singh, a Neurologist in Omaha.

In preparation for the studio production, we visited Dr. Singh at Creighton University Medical Center, and shot a video segment portraying the process of being seen by him for a brain trauma evaluation. In that video segment, I played the part of the patient.

A week later, I found myself at the bottom of a thirty-foot ravine with multiple neck fractures and a concussion. But the show must go on, and go on it did, thanks to my colleagues who finished editing the program for broadcast while I recuperated, having embarked on what has thus far turned out to be a lifelong journey to my own very personal understanding of brain trauma.

A Process of Redefinition

I loved my job. Developing story ideas, deciding who to interview to tell different aspects of those stories, traveling to locations around the state and helping bring those local community stories to a statewide audience, being part of a stellar production team, all of that fed my soul and satisfied my curious nature. It was an honor and a privilege to be able to do that kind of work.

After the concussion, something was different. I could still come up with story ideas, decide who should be featured, what I would ask during the interview. Verbally I could tell you the story, what it would look like, how it would play out. But when it came time to actually compile and organize footage, script and then edit the story, that’s where I hit a wall.  

Something was blocking the flow from my brain through my hands to a keyboard to a script or an editing timeline. A process that I had once loved and thrived upon had now become endless and excruciating. Not only for me, but for those colleagues and clients who wanted and needed me to be successful in completing the production.

Over time I had to face the fact that my video production career, or managing projects that were deadline-intensive, and demanded many hours each day staring at computer screens, were better left to those who were not grappling with Post Concussion Syndrome symptoms.

That was a very tough pill to swallow. And while I didn't want to let my brain injury define me, I came to understand that, for a time, I would have to let it redefine me.

I still have a video project from my side hustle awaiting completion for a client and friend who has kept the utmost faith in me finishing it, and who has offered infinite grace and patience. Failure is not an option on that one. It may be the last thing like that I do, or maybe in the process, those long-locked doors to creativity and joy will be reopened. A girl can hope.

Rediscovering Purpose

Shortly before I opted for early retirement from my public media career, I crossed paths with Peggy Reisher, BIANE's Executive Director. That encounter led to an invitation to serve as a board member for the organization, I got involved as a volunteer, and I began attending their annual conference.

When the COVID 19 pandemic struck, I got to redirect my television production and interviewing skills, along with newly acquired skills as a Zoom Pilot into creating and facilitating virtual support groups hosted by the Brain Injury Alliance four times monthly for people living after brain injury, their family members and caregivers throughout Nebraska.

In getting to know the people in these groups, I’ve learned that my experience is far from unique. While much has been learned about brain function and its ability to heal from trauma, the fact is for most of the people impacted by brain trauma, it’s an invisible injury. You couldn’t tell by looking at or speaking with that person that they’re grappling with those impacts on a daily basis. That invisibility often hampers their access to support services, rehabilitation therapies, and employment. Well-meaning friends, family members, and colleagues, in a sincere effort to be supportive, will say things like ‘You look great!’ or ‘You’ve got this. You just need to focus.’ And sometimes, ‘You just need to get used to your new normal.’ You just need to… If only it was that simple.

I’ve come up with a couple of pithy responses to those well-meaning, but less than helpful ‘just-need-to’s’.

1) On this journey of living after a brain injury, sometimes it’s hard to know whether this is a bump in the road, or it’s the road.

2) This is NOT my new normal! I’m forging new pathways.

Thanks to the Brain Injury Alliance, I’ve also been able to access training to be a certified peer support specialist, which has made me a better support group facilitator and mentor to others on this bumpy road, and it could lead to new career opportunities.

Recently I attended the 2023 BIANE Conference in Kearney. I was asked to moderate a panel discussion with the organization’s team of Resource Facilitators, including Chris Stewart, who introduced me to the Brain Injury Alliance all those years ago.

As I sat at that table in Kearney with the Resource Facilitators preparing for the panel discussion, I remembered how I had begun my journey toward understanding brain trauma, and my friendship and collaboration with the amazing staff of the Brain Injury Alliance. Looking back on the past eight years and pondering the synchronicity that led to that moment, I had to smile. That smile extended to the depths of my soul. I felt a wave of gratitude and recognition for … whatever the force is that watches over me, that was with me in the bottom of that ravine, and that has led me on this path to purpose and fulfillment in the years since.

The term “Better Angels” came to mind. Later, I looked up the famous quote by Abraham Lincoln.

“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”

As I read it, it struck me that brain injury survivors, or anyone who has experienced a life-changing injury or illness, at some point has had to process the feeling that their brain or body has been at war with them. We’re all seeking the moment when ‘the mystic chords of memory will swell.’ Perhaps that quote can serve as a metaphor for healing for people going through that process as it did for America when Lincoln said it.

Meeting My Better Angels

When Mary Kay Roth had the idea to start this blog, I wanted to continue to develop my skills as a writer and storyteller. Joining this very accomplished group of journalists, writers, educators, and community leaders has been not only an honor, but also a way for me to forge a new path, and to see if I could hold my own in such esteemed company. But it hasn’t been without its challenges.

Sometimes the words and ideas flow from my brain to the keyboard, and sometimes they don’t. And while my sister Mavens of Mayhem are kindly tolerant of what I call my mercurial meanderings, it bothers me when I sometimes can’t churn out the content every fifth week, as they consistently do. Recently, in a conversation with Mary Kay, Marilyn, and JoAnne, I expressed my frustration and embarrassment over deadlines missed, and my bouts with writer’s block. I asked for their advice for better establishing a habitual practice of writing.

The responses I received were kind, constructive, and compassionate. While they understood my struggles, Mary Kay and Marilyn stressed the fact that they miss my voice in those weeks when it’s absent, and assured me that what I have to say and how I say it through my writing is unique and of value. All of that was much-needed salve for my soul, and my motivation. Then JoAnne echoed her faith in my ability to work through this struggle. “Not only that,” she added, “but I expect you to do that.”

Each in their own wondrous way were saying, “Yeah, I get that it’s hard, but you’re worth it, so show up, for us, for our readers, and for you.” 

Expressing those gentle expectations was the best way they could help me be successful. They were being my better angels when I couldn’t summon them myself. Sister Maven Mary Reiman was unable to be with us that day, but she is an equally supportive and angelic presence amidst my bouts with Mayhem.

Meanwhile, back at the conference, I ran into Kim, the neuropsychologist with whom I did rehabilitation therapy in the months following my injury. It has been nearly five years since I’ve seen her. But in our sessions together, I spoke with her at length about the struggles I was having getting projects finished, and grieving the loss of the joy I used to reap from crafting and editing stories. Reconnecting with her at the conference was an unexpected treat. She asked about my family, I told her about the virtual support groups, peer support training, and how much I enjoyed being involved in those efforts.

And then she said, “I have to ask you. Did you ever finish that video project you were working on?” Yes. That one. The one that is still waiting to be finished.

Another better angel encounter. All I could do was smile at her and reply, “No, I haven’t. And thank you for asking, because it is my next big goal to by golly get it done. Failure is not an option. I am determined to finish it. I can’t not do it.”

Then she said, “I still have your email. I’m going to send you my contact info. When you get the video done, I’d really like to see it.”

Better angels indeed. My better angels are present, accounted for, and they have my back. And as we come to the close of Brain Injury Awareness Month for 2023, I’m grateful for the deepening and evolution of my own awareness, not only of the impacts of brain injury, but also of the power of our inter-connectedness. And I'm committed to be a better angel for others whenever possible. 

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a video project to finish.

***

 Like and follow us on Facebook @5WomenMayhem