On Endings and Forks in the Road

 by Penny Costello

Some endings and pathway changes are planned: a transition from being a student to a graduate to a professional in a chosen field, becoming a parent (and a family), a move to a new home city or state, retirement from a career.

Other navigational shifts can come out of nowhere – job loss due to downsizing and other economic factors, the end of a marriage or committed relationship, a need for change due to illness or injury, or maybe it’s a clear realization that the current path no longer holds the relevance and allure that it once did, and you’re ready for a change or a new adventure, or coming to the decision that there’s a dream you’ve always had, and it’s time to by gosh make it happen.

Life happens, sometimes in harmony with our best laid plans, and sometimes life demands complete abandonment or serious adaptation of those plans.

As regular readers and followers of 5 Women Mayhem know, I’m coming up on the 11^th anniversary of sustaining a traumatic brain injury resulting from a 30-foot fall into a ravine on Thanksgiving Day, 2014. Mary Kay Roth was my first responder that day, and I’m so grateful to her for coming to my aid, and for our 30-year friendship. Over the years since, I’ve learned about and lived with the impacts of TBI, post-concussion syndrome, and I’ve reaped much from both the challenges and benefits encountered and gained along the way.

Some people would call this a “God-Moment”. I call it synchronicity. Three days before I took that plunge into the ravine, I was working at my job as a television producer/director at Nebraska Public Media, on the co-production of a series called “Now What?”, which offered resources and expertise to viewers on elder and dementia care. We did three or four programs a year in this series. That week, we were in production on the episode entitled “Now What: Understanding Brain Injury”. One of the panelists on the panel of experts for that program was a Resource Facilitator for what is now called the Brain Injury Association of Nebraska (BIA-NE). Little did I know that the Universe was equipping me with a toolkit that would serve me well into the future as I navigated my own journey with TBI.

When I think back on the experience of falling into the ravine, there’s a strange distortion of my sense of time. In reality, it took maybe a couple of seconds of airtime before I hit the bottom. In another sense, I remember it in slow motion, almost as if some other force took the wheel and said, ‘You’re on a different path now.’

And that certainly proved to be true. I detailed that pathway shift in a previous post on this blog, titled “On Brain Injuries,Butterflies and Becoming”.

Over the years, I became involved with BIA-NE, serving a couple of terms as a member of the Board of Directors, and in ongoing service as a volunteer support group facilitator. In that time, I’ve learned a lot. One of the stand-out lessons was beautifully summed up by a friend I gained along the journey, who was a former nurse before brain injuries she sustained ended her career.

“If you’ve seen one brain injury, you’ve seen one brain injury,” she told me once. And it’s so true. The range, severity, and impact of symptoms varies with every person. Challenges with executive functions like focus, memory, task initiation and completion are part of the package with what is called Post-Concussion Syndrome.

Sincerely well-intentioned friends and co-workers would do their best to support and encourage me, offering what I have come to know as “the just-need-to’s”:

“You just need to focus…”

“You just need to concentrate…”

And my all-time least favorite, “You just need to get used to your new normal…”

My response to that is, “This isn’t my new normal. I’m forging new pathways.” And I started thinking about launching a t-shirt and bumper sticker line for TBI survivors with that response. Another offering would be, “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if this is a bump in the road, or it’s the road. But it’s a bumpy road.”

Then came the COVID-19 pandemic. I had COVID three times, and after the third time, I noticed that my post-concussion symptoms had become more intense,. Luckily, I had access to great medical care at the same rehabilitation facility I went to following my brain injury, and they were very proactive in developing a post-COVID treatment plan.

There have been blessings along the way as well. As I realized that continuing to work in project management jobs that are very deadline intensive were probably not the best path for me anymore, and I knew I probably needed to explore other new pathways, the pandemic began to lift, and friends wanted to get away, and they needed someone to take care of their pets while they were gone. So, I got into the pet-sitting business. I also continued my training and got certified as a Peer Support Specialist, which eventually led to  a job at the same rehabilitation hospital that I went to for post-concussion therapy after my injury.

Over the past year, I began to notice an increase in brain fatigue, forgetfulness, and other symptoms I needed to get checked out. As I told my doctor, I wanted to know if it was brain injury, Long COVID, or, my worst fear, the onset of dementia.

He referred me to a neurologist, who conducted testing which led to a diagnosis of Cortical Irritability, caused by irregular electrical discharges in my brain which can lead to development of seizures and possibly epilepsy. The best news  was it’s not dementia. The neurologist felt reasonably certain the condition resulted from my brain injury. While I’m not aware of having any seizures in my lifetime, I’ll  have to be on anti-seizure medication for the rest of my life, which I’m getting used to and learning to navigate the side effects and symptoms.

All I can say about this is, I don’t want to get to the end of the book anytime soon, but I also could be very happy not to continue to write new chapters. But, apparently, it’s not up to me to decide that. There’s an old expression, “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

Now I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is my story, and it’s sticking to me. Over the years,  I have  learned to shift my thinking about those ‘bumps in the road,’ and use them more as navigational aids and road signs. Maybe it’s time to pull over and take a nap. Maybe I need to get something to eat. Maybe I need to drive down a quieter road. And I have found pleasure and purpose in being able to support and help others travel that same bumpy road, and I will continue to do that.

I’ve also learned that, sometimes, we need to release those commitments, habits, or activities that aren’t serving us as they once did. And I really like the term ‘release’ to describe that, because it implies choice to lighten a load, and make room for something new. In that spirit, this will be my farewell post to this blog.

I’ve joked over the years that I am the ‘Mayhem’ in 5 Women Mayhem. I refer to my contributions to the blog as my ‘mercurial meanderings’, and I’m eternally grateful to the amazing women in this group for accommodating me and my struggles.  It’s such an honor to have been included in such esteemed company and collaboration over these years, and to hear from readers and followers who comment and share our posts.

Having grown up in a family very proud of our Irish heritage, it feels appropriate to close with the Irish blessing: “May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand.”

I’m grateful for all the roads that have risen to meet me in my life, and I welcome the road ahead, bumps and all. Thank you, my Sister Mavens of Mayhem, and all of our followers and supporters. I am so blessed with your presence on my path.

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