Empty Nesting is for the Birds

By Karla Lester

Photos by Christopher Masada

I’m excited to be a new contributor to the mayhem, a place that has served as a connection point and to be honest, where I’ve felt a sense of relief during chaotic times.  I’m Karla Lester, a pediatrician in the community. Most people in Lincoln know me as the visionary behind my nonprofit, Teach a Kid to Fish, I founded with a mission to address the epidemic of childhood obesity. Teach a Kid to Fish has been the love of my career. These days, I have a coaching website and a metabolic telehealth for children & adolescents practice where I treat teens struggling with their weight, health and body image. I spend too much time on TikTok and have a weekly radio show on kzum, 80’s Mixtape with Dr. Karla, where I deconstruct toxic 80’s diet culture, talk about health topics with guests, and play epic 80’s music. 

Nothing compares to the love I have for my family. I get to be married to Darek, a pathologist and avid fantasy sports enthusiast and best Dad around. Our children, who are now adults, Katherine, Audrey and Andrew are my heart. 

 

Darek and I recently became empty nesters. Our youngest, Andrew, went off to college in Colorado and we’re already bored with each other. I will admit the first Monday back in Lincoln, after moving him into his dorm, felt very Zen. To be honest, that first week we were going strong with Goo Goo Dolls and Indigo Girls concerts and local live music. Week 1, empty nesting was great!

 

Logistically, I decided that since I’ve carried the mental load of food all these years, it was time for Darek to step up and plan and cook some meals. Fast forward to one meal later with him putting a weird mix of food together and it was back to me. I was worried I would be unsatisfied and hungry, which is a bad mix for me. That can of baked beans to go with the burgers has a dent in it? He googled it and decided the seam was involved, so according to a YouTube food scientist, we should throw it out. So, just open a can of chickpeas to go with the burgers instead? Um, no thanks.  No one wants to be around a hangry and bored empty nester. So, things went back to him doing the dishes and me doing the planning, the shopping, the preparation, the cooking. Wah! Wah! Wah!

 

We are task-oriented action takers. Parenting has been the perfect job for us. Don’t tell us to organize the junk drawer, the kitchen cabinets, the closets, because, if you follow me on FB, you know he’s already done all that. 

 

We’re both certainly busy enough during the day and we have two Bernedoodles, Buddy and Rudi, who are 21 months old to keep us occupied. There are no excuses for us, other than we are missing our kids. 

 

Motherhood came loaded to me. My own Mom, Barb, was my favorite person, but she was a shade of grey. She was a single Mom, raising three little girls, who struggled after what my little sister called “the vorce”. 

 

When Katherine, Kid #1, was born, I sometimes felt the fear that she was on a raft alone, floating out to sea and I couldn’t swim to her. This came as a recurring scene throughout motherhood for me. It's a loss of control. The antidote was action, and parenthood is full of action. So, years of taking action, having routines, and showing up has saved me. 

 

It turns out being a mom is the thing I’ve been the best at in this life. Not that I’m any better than anyone else or even that great. It’s just in comparison to the other things I’ve done and how I know I feel about my kids in my mind, that has made a recipe for a good mother. I’ve shown up and I keep showing up, except they don’t need me to show up how I used to love to show up. 

 

Becoming an empty nester has allowed us to reflect on our parenting. 

 

What things we’ve done well and other things we’ve bombed at, like when we were potty training our daughter, Audrey, who sat naked, age 2, on the toilet, sucking her thumb and talking around it, telling us, “You don’t control my body. God doesn’t even control my body.” 

 

She’s going to law school. 

 

We were good with food, with sleep, other run of the mill parenting stuff, and bad with potty training.  

 

When Kid #1 went to college, we drove her down to Texas in what felt like a toxic exhaustion. My Mom, her Nana, had died the day before. I was cheek to cheek with her when she died and was running on empty. It didn’t feel like an exciting launch into the world everyone hoped for. Then, during her freshman year, Covid hit the world like a ton of bricks, and everyone moved home, which I enjoyed. My three baby birds were back at home on shore with me. It felt safe. 

 

When Kid #2 went to college, we had to get with the new norm of having one kid at home and we settled into it just fine. The countdown was on for three years until empty nesting. 

Communication is key when you’re an empty nester. That means mindful communication with each other and how we communicate with our adult children. 

 

Darek’s not a syrupy person and is not a nicknamer. That’s what happens when you marry the “nice pathologist” as my mom used to call him. “Now, tell me, have you heard from the nice pathologist,” she would ask. 

 

He decided to give me a nickname, since he doesn’t call me honey, sweetie, babe or any of the typical terms of endearment. I would think he had a quick lobotomy at work if he called me, “Dear”. 

 

Butterscotch is his favorite flavor, so the declaration was made that I would be called Butterscotch. Then, the declaration was that Butterscotch was too long and I would become the character, Butters, from South Park. He doesn’t call me Butters. 

 

My nickname for him is, Remembers Everything He Googles.

 

“Look at this map of Lincoln,” he says. 

 

“First, look at this TikTok of Tiki, the foster dog,” I respond.  

 

He’s obsessed with the topography of every place we’ve ever lived. FYI, St. Louis has an elevation of 600 feet and is the lowest point in elevation we’ve lived, in case you were wondering. 

 

Since nicknames and terms of endearment are out, we are working on our relational health and communication. Staring at each other, reminding each other how bored we are while staring at each other isn’t going to work for much longer.

 

There are things to work on that have become glaringly obvious since becoming empty nesters. Listening is key.  

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t hear what you said.” 

“How could you not? You’re literally inches away from me and we’re eating dinner.”

 

Phone conversations with young adults can be unfulfilling. 

 

Kid #1: “I can’t talk. I’m studying.” 

Kid #2 has her phone on do not disturb at all times. 

Kid #3: “Why’d you call?”

 

“Sorry, that was a butt dial.”

 

I’ve learned the hard way, don’t call them. Let them call you. 

 

I’m learning to fill up my own bucket by building community with intention. The timing of 5womenmayhem is great for me. It’s a much-needed addition to my life and I am grateful to the 5womenmayhem. They are the GOATs as women and writers and to be honest, it’s intimidating.  But I will rise to the fearless occasion. 

 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Send tips and tricks for successful empty nesting. 

 

Send me your 80’s requests!