On Wintering in the Midst of Mayhem

 “Once we stop wishing it were summer, winter can be a glorious season in which the world takes on a sparse beauty and even the pavements sparkle,” says Katherine May, author of “Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times.”  A few thoughts on wintering, from 5 Women Mayhem …

Winter Reflections

by Marilyn Moore

Winter is the hardest of Nebraska’s seasons for me.  I recognize its importance in the cycle of life in this latitude in the middle of the continent…but that knowledge doesn’t make it easy.  It’s not just the cold, it’s the short days, the days that are dark and dreary, and the sheer difficulty of being out and about on icy, snow-covered walks and roads.

I’ve tried to talk/plan/organize myself most years to get through these next two months, usually by planning a big project that will occupy my indoor time and make me feel really accomplished when it’s done.  The reality?  I seldom accomplish said project, and instead I feel discouraged that once again I didn’t make good use of the time.

So this year, I’m thinking about what my body and mind and spirit most need in these two months.  It’s not a project.  It’s not even a plan.  It’s a vague image of what will be restorative and soothing, filling depleted energy stores.  It looks like more sleep, homemade soup and home-baked bread, time to read.  It looks like fresh flowers in the house, walks in the neighborhood and on the trails, as much sunshine as possible every day.  It looks like looking for beauty in browns, and time with friends and the little ones in our family to add color and sparkle. 

And, deep within, it looks like noticing every day that the sun rises a little earlier, sets a little later, and that deep within the earth, maple trees and beautyberry bushes and coneflowers are resting to grow again.  

***

Time...

by Mary Reiman

Winter...

Time to read.

Time to settle.

Time to reflect on what is most important on this life’s journey.

 ***

The Darkness of a January night …

by Mary Kay Roth

As a child, when I had to get up at night, I would soar over my blankets and out onto the floor – like a pole vault jumper leaping as far from my bed as possible – lest the bogeyman pull me under and into the darkness below.

I was terrified of those shadows.

Over the years, however, winter teaches us otherwise.

As dusk settles early on these January evenings, something quietly shifts inside as we pull winter nights around us like a warm, frothy comforter, diving into the deep cozy cave of hibernation.

Sadly, from childhood on, darkness gets a bad rap, a scary monster to approach with shivers and trepidation. Look up “dark” in a Thesaurus and you’ll find words like bleak, dismal, dreary.

If we truly allow winter to be our teacher, however, the darkness of a January night asks us to hug close – retreat and rest – discover its gifts and magic. Behind all the dark, long nights and cold winter mornings, there is something incredibly beautiful happening.  

Our bodies heal and grow in the dark while we sleep. Dreams dance in the dark. Music sounds infinitely better with lights off.  And throughout the coming months we will marvel at the unfailing human ability to find light in the middle of the darkest season.

At eventide, tonight, let’s wrap ourselves up in ridiculous amounts of clothing to watch dusk’s darkness fall around. Light a candle and let it flicker.  Head outdoors, come January 25, to stand sentinel as the full moon rises – the wolf moon – perhaps joining the nocturnal chorus to howl at winter’s dim glow.

If we allow darkness to warm us, winter shadows can lead to a place of well-being and wonder, to the quietest of quiet, the deepest shades of our soul – without a single bogeyman in sight.

***

Epiphany in White

by JoAnne Young

I am traveling through the southern belt of Nebraska on this twelfth day of Christmas, 15 days after the winter solstice. The landscape is flocked in frosty white, shades of the usual tan and brown shrouded in crystal camouflage.

Hundreds upon hundreds of trees have offered themselves up as a visual feast for me and fellow sojourners. Some trees wear feathery crowns, others stand icy stark, still others hold a thickness of green fading to a sugary coating. The contrast of each bough in each tree contributes to their solitary beauty, and reminds me they are a lot like we can be in winter, stepping through these cold months and figuring out how to make a difference with our own uniqueness.

I will take this gift of winter beauty with me through the long nights of the season and, not to be greedy, but hope for ice bells on the lake and the crack and moan of frozen water, before the darkness melts away and the sunshine turns the land from white to green. And crocuses spring from their winter’s rest, eager to color our landscapes again.

 ***

Finding Gratitude in Mayhem

by Penny Costello

It's a cold, snowy January day. For many of us, it's dark and dreary. In the dreariness, I am finding gratitude for truly seasonal weather, including some very much needed moisture to replenish our parched Mother Earth in this long period of exceptional drought. It's been so long since we had a truly seasonal winter here. I will take it. I'll welcome it with gratitude while I put food and water out for the birds and the urban wildlife who share this neighborhood with me and brighten my days with their presence.

I'd also like to express my gratitude and appreciation for this group of women who put up with what I call my mercurial meanderings and less than consistent contributions to this blog. It's fun to see what we each come up with when we do these collaborative blogs on various themes, and enjoy the glimpses into our individual processes and personalities when we approach a particular subject together. As I approach the winter of my life, I'm grateful, honored, and tickled to be a part of 5 Women Mayhem. And that gratitude extends to you, our readers, so generous with your attention, comments, and sharing of our stories. Thank you!

 ***

 

Happy New Year!

by Mary Reiman

Should I make New Year’s resolutions?  Well, how long would it be until I realize there is no way I will accomplish those resolutions?  

As I look back on last year’s goals, they were indeed lofty. Thinking I could ever have accomplished them makes me laugh.

A simple resolution this year....read more! So off I go.  A much more joyful way to begin the new year!

Alas, perhaps I really am getting older and wiser. 

And, rather than trying to anguish over how to wish you all a Happy New Year in the midst of this complex world in which we live, please accept this simple message.

In and amongst the mayhem, 

may you find moments of great joy, much laughter, 

and profound hope throughout this year.

Lullabies and time machines

By JoAnne Young

It was a late night in March, in decades past, that I first began to sing those songs. A first-time mother on a first night home with a newborn I knew little about, except that I loved him and I was afraid for him to cry. His pediatrician had informed us on his second day that he had a hole in his heart, one that would likely close within six months, so … no worries. 

 

But worry I did, and there I was next to his crib on his third night, and he was wailing. I picked him up, sat down and rocked with all my tired strength. And I began to sing. A lullaby. His first lullaby. The first song that came to mind. 

 

There is a young cowboy who lives on the range.

His horse and his saddle are his only companions.

He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons, 

Waiting for summer his pastures to change.  

 

That’s the night, desperate for him to melt into sleep, that Sweet Baby James became our family lullaby, me singing quietly as they tucked into my arms or snuggled onto a shoulder. I was more eager to sleep than they were much of the time. 

 

James Taylor wrote the first part of the song in 1969, a cowboy lullaby, while he was driving home to North Carolina to see his firstborn nephew, named after him. The second half of the song was written on the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston. It’s a lullaby to baby James and a lullaby to himself about the nature of belief and what makes one comfortable. It becomes rather spiritual at the end, he has explained.

 

My little ones got a healthy dose of James Taylor, as I also sang You Can Close Your Eyes. 

 

Oh, the sun is surely sinking down
But the moon is slowly rising.
So this old world must still be spinning round
And I still love you.

So close your eyes.
You can close your eyes, it's alright.
I don't know no love songs
And I can't sing the blues anymore
But I can sing this song
And you can sing this song when I'm gone.

 

With my daughter, I added a second lullaby, a version of Mama Cass’s Dream a Little Dream of Me.

 

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singin' in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me …

 

If the babies’ blue eyes were still fighting sleep after several rounds of those favorites, I would add traditional nursery songs about sleep and patty cakes and shiny little ponies.

 

My kids grew up and sang Sweet Baby James to their babies. My son added “Mandy” to his repertoire, changing the name to Finnley. Parents frequently change names and lyrics in lullabies to customize them. My grandson, Ky, fell asleep at naptime and nighttime to Enya’s Shepherd Moons, A Day Without Rain and The Memory of Trees, which he listens to still, at 18.

 

Musician Jon Batiste calls music a sense memory, a time machine, something that can aid healing. 

 

It was his story of writing lullabies for his wife Suleika Jaouad when she was in the hospital being treated for leukemia that got me thinking about those lullabies I so fondly remember, the special James Taylor lullaby that became the mother-son dance at our youngest’s wedding. 

 

Batiste composed hours of lullaby themes for her he never intended for release, at a time when he and his wife couldn’t be together. One did make it to his recordings: Butterfly, which has been nominated for a Grammy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CR115pxSjWM

 

Lullabies are intended to soothe, both the baby and the parent, but in some societies they are also used to pass down cultural knowledge or tradition. They can help develop communication skills and regulate behavior. They can enhance bonding and nurturing between baby and parent.  

 

They can also sometimes contain shadows. Cradles and babies falling from trees, infants carried off by fairies, mothers dreaming of holding their little ones, but when they awaken they’re wrong and the mothers begin to cry. Music therapists have said lullabies sustain the spirit but also enable resilience during times of vulnerability.

 

My husband remembers his father sang The Night that Paddy Murphy Died at his bedtime, complete with lyrics about taking the ice right off the corpse and putting it on the beer. 

 

As Christmas draws near, we often sing some of the most familiar lullabies of the year. Away in a Manger. Silent Night, and the darker but beautiful, In the Bleak Midwinter.

 

I would add River, by Joni Mitchell, to winter lullabies. And this by Judy Collins, The Fallow Way, as a good adult lullaby, because more and more we need them, too.

 

I'll learn to love the fallow way
When winter draws the valley down
And stills the rivers in their storm
And freezes all the little brooks
Time when our steps slow to the song
Of falling flakes and crackling flames
When silver stars are high and still
Deep in the velvet of the night sky

 

The crystal times the silence times
I'll learn to love their quietness
When deep beneath the glistening snow
The black earth dreams of violets

I'll learn to love the fallow times.

Peace and sweet winter dreams. 

Follow us on Facebook at Five Women Mayhem. 

Solstice...and Thin Spaces

 By Marilyn Moore

We are approaching the winter solstice…just a few days until the shortest day of the year, the time when a late sunrise and an early sunset leave us with the most hours of darkness.  In these last few days before the solstice, I’m reminded of the terror that people felt at one time, fearing that the sun, the source of warmth and light and life itself, was going away, never to return.  Each day, the darkness came a little earlier, the light came a little later, and the fear grew deeper.  

Then, it changed….the sun rose a few minutes earlier, the sun set a few minutes later, and fear was replaced by rejoicing and jubilation.  Solstice celebrations have been a part of human culture from the time humans emerged; it’s embedded in our DNA to celebrate light and sun, because in so doing, we celebrate life itself.

Now, we understand that the lessening, and then increasing, minutes of sunlight are among the many celestial wonders.  We know it’s related to the rotation of the earth on its axis and the revolution of the earth around the sun.  It can be measured precisely and predicted exactly.  And for me, none of that knowledge detracts from its wondrous nature….

I sat this evening on the hill at Pioneers Park, watching the day fade away.  It’s been a gray and cloudy day, and I wondered what it would look like as the sun set.  Would it just become darker gray?  It was a mostly empty space, only a few other people were there.  We were all quiet…. The birds called to one another as they flew overhead, following their own inborn instinct of where they were going and how they would get there.  The gray did indeed darken.  And then…at the moment the sun would set below the horizon, the edges of the clouds were illuminated in soft pink, and the skies above and below reflected that light.  A stunning palette of color at the end of a day of gray skies.

It was a thin space moment, one of those times, and places, where the veil between earth and heaven is so very thin that one can reach through and touch that which is beyond.  In my experience, the thin space moments are rare.  For me, they are most often to be found in an earth and sky setting, at the ocean or on the prairie.  Some experience thin spaces in music.  Most people that I’ve heard attempt to describe a thin space moment struggle to find words, finally landing on something like “achingly beautiful,” or “tender beyond words.” Usually, we just shrug, knowing we can’t find the words, and the moment doesn’t need words.  I believe that in that moment, our hearts simply burst with the wonder of it all.

Please like us and follow us on Facebook at 5 Women Mayhem.

Ringing our bells … The magical, miserable serendipity of family tradition

 

By Mary Kay Roth

Once upon a time, about 25 years ago, the legend of our family bells began – not an elegant, heart-warming beginning, but a grudging, reluctant one. 

Bottom line, I was simply trying to teach my two rather sullen preteens a lesson in kindness. And though I had tried various other “good deed” ventures with my kids, nothing stuck.

So, I signed us up to ring Salvation Army bells one Christmas Eve morning – and, yes, a little over-zealous, I registered for two consecutive two-hour stints on what turned out to be a particularly frigid day.  (Josh, around 12 years old at the time, now remembers it as a six-hour ordeal – Anna, then 10, claims we rang bells for 12 hours. DO NOT BELIEVE THEM.) 

Indeed, however long the torment really lasted, it was a miserable start.  The kids refused to ring the bells.  For some mysterious reason, Anna had worn silly summery slippers. Josh just wanted it to be over.  And it was bone-chilling, bloody cold. 

I knew we were in deep trouble.  

Desperately, in a valiant attempt to salvage the experience, I started to sing.  At first I went solo, boldly bellowing every carol I knew.  Then, ever so gradually – I think because I was a complete source of embarrassment – my kids started to join me … in a glowering, unenthusiastic preteen kind of way. 

Something bewildering happened.  Solemn shoppers who had been trudging past us, often avoiding eye contact, started to hesitate. Smile. Laugh.  Rummage through their pockets for change.  

Our donation bucket filled. We kept on singing. And the frozen minutes melted away.

That night my kids told everyone their mother had tortured them for Christmas by making them stand outside and freeze to death.

And yet the following year, we signed up to do it again.  

And again.  And again. And we sang every time.  

In the beginning, it was just the three of us. 

Eventually it grew.  My brother came. With his kids. My parents dropped in.  Eventually partners and spouses. Neighbors and friends started to stop for a song or two.  Grandkids joined the ranks. 

And now this simple, two-hour ritual has become our very favorite tradition as we gather each year on Christmas Eve morning to ring bells and serenade shoppers.

Some years we all show up.  Some years, fewer of us.

Some years we are ringing bells in t-shirts.  Other years we bundle up with four layers and foot warmers, rotating in and out of the store for warmth.  We ring and sing through rain – sleet – snow.   

And over the years we have tweaked our ringing panache.

We hand out candy now, wear holiday trimmings.  We bring our own bells because they never provide enough.  We ask shoppers if they have Christmas song requests. Last year Anna brought her Bluetooth.

We even have signature numbers.  We always attempt – and mangle – Twelve Days of Christmas (WITHOUT Googling it).  We do a marvelous Santa Baby with parts for guys and gals.  We actually “fall on our knees” for O Holy Night.  We do the Three Dog Night version of Joy to the World.  

Some of us honestly cannot carry a tune.  People have offered – laughingly, at least I think laughingly – to pay us to stop singing.  

Mostly shoppers smile at us, even giggle.  Time and again, someone will buy us hot cocoa or coffee.  Children come up and offer their coins. Adults pull out more – we’ve seen hundred-dollar bills stuffed inside the bucket.  

Inevitably, several times throughout the morning, someone will hear us, stop (often with a far-away look in their eye), and subsequently begin to sing along.

I generally offer these people a hug.

Then I pause to consider the curious traditions that emerge from serendipity – marveling at the magic of one miserable morning, long ago, an inauspicious beginning transformed into a ritual that brings us together each and every year.  For two sacred hours the frantic holiday craziness subsides, we laugh so hard our sides hurt and our family embraces … joy. 

Deck the Halls.  The First Noel. White Christmas.  Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

Yes, keeping the faith, later this month as Christmas draws near, we will gather once again … to sing and ring.  

And when our two-hour shift is done and we are ready to hang up our bells, we will huddle together – in memory of my parents – and quietly sing our grand finale, Silent Night, my dad’s absolute favorite carol.  

I will cry during that song, as I always do.  Everyone knows I will. 

“All is calm.  All is bright.”

Then we will each head our separate way, the air around us suddenly feeling so incredibly still. 

Wrap it. Bag it. Staple it.

by Mary Reiman

December. The time for conjuring up memories.

Memories of decorating the tree, grandma’s fudge and penuche, pickled herring (was that only my dad’s favorite?), singing carols, and wrapping presents. Ah yes, wrapping presents.

It seems like this holiday season every store is filled with rows and rows of wrapping paper and ribbon.  I mean every store! The displays are by the door for you to see when you enter and exit, and include tape, tags and the ever popular gift bags.  

Besides forcing me to think about what size packaging is needed for sending the annual treats to the family I won’t see in December, all the options conjure up memories of past years...and how the art of wrapping has changed.  

Gift bags, at least the expensive, designer bags of today, are not part of my childhood memories. If there were any gift bags, they would have been brown paper sacks, decorated by hand, folded and stapled so no inquisitive eyes could peak inside before Christmas morning. 

Instead of that easier brown paper sack route, I now spend more time standing in the aisle to determine the best size and color gift bag to purchase than I spend on purchasing or making whatever is going into the bag. And then when I think I’ve found just what I need, I turn and see those small decorated plastic bags. Aren't they perfect for giving chex mix, puppy chow and other taste delights everyone needs for snacking during their favorite holiday movie or Nebraska volleyball game? So many options!

There is a good chance I spend more time and money on the packaging than on what is inside the package.

How did we get to this point? 

I come from a family of wrapping paper keepers. If you are one, you know what I mean. On Christmas morning when we unwrapped gifts, we were careful. Some would make fun of us because we didn’t rip the paper off the presents and be finished with that part of Christmas in 20 minutes. No, at our house, unwrapping was an event because the packaging was designed specifically for each of us, wrapped with precision, including perfect corners. When the paper was taken off the gifts, it was folded or rolled and used again the next year. Was mom frugal or simply a product of an era where things were used until they were worn out? 

For us, it was fun to think about what present had been in that paper the year before. And when brown paper was used, letters and designs were cut out of construction paper with our names on them and then glued on those packages. She purchased a lot of Elmer's glue.

I believe every moment of that wrapping process was carefully thought about by my mother. She was a farmer’s wife. She could have been an artistic designer.  

Also memorable were the gifts from my aunt, mom’s sister, also artistic. She always stayed up past midnight on Christmas Eve designing intricate wrapping, using a round oatmeal box or a saltine cracker box as the container for thoughtful gifts, often handmade from a local craft fair. It was so fun to look forward to her creations as well as her packaging, especially the various Santas. Each gift was unique, tucked in tissue, wrapped exquisitely, with a gift tag transformed from a Christmas card from the year before. Mom also made our gift tags. Probably their mother did the same for them when they were children.

So why do I remember those details from long ago when I can hardly remember if I picked up yesterday’s mail? Perhaps because I choose to remember the love that went into the process of creating those gifts. 

Isn’t that what this holiday season is all about? Giving gifts from the heart to those we love, and donations to those in need. Tis the season for generosity and making memories. Whether we wrap it, bag it, or staple it.

Happy December!

Never too late to bust out

By JoAnne Young 

 

The end of the semester is nearing, and I am back in the flow of school terms and breaks, and learning from the art of hermit crabs, who find new and bigger shells as they grow.

 

I had only a vague notion when January kicked off the 2023 new year that by the end I would be finishing off my first college course in decades, in a new adventure I’m hoping will lead to a master’s degree. I couldn’t know how thrilled I would be to open that envelope and read: “The Office of Graduate Studies congratulates you on your admission to the University of Nebraska at Omaha.”

 

My journey began somewhat like that hermit crab. When I retired from journalism in 2021, it was time to crawl out of my tight-fitting shell of work and identity. It also left me feeling vulnerable to disappearing, becoming irrelevant, and bored. 

 

The pandemic still raged when I left my job, so my jump into finding my next cozy shell was delayed. It took some months, but I found a good one – a campaign worker trying to get a high-quality woman, Patty Pansing Brooks, back into government on the national level. Great haven for a year, then time to look around the beach of my life for another. 

 

Not too long into my search, I met with Professor Lisa Knopp to get a copy of her new book, “From Your Friend, Carey Dean,” about her 23-year friendship with death row inmate Carey Dean Moore, whose execution I covered extensively for the Journal Star. As we talked, she told me about the creative nonfiction program she was part of at UNO, and I took note.   

 

As my enneagram type suggests, my tendency is to be curious, creative, reflective and reserved. I had been on my way to a master’s degree in journalism in the mid 1980s when I swerved and started my newspaper career. Maybe now, it was time to turn back. This summer I started the paperwork, got accepted at UNO and reclaimed the role of college student. It took the courage to be imperfect and the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, to stop trying to control and predict. 

 

I’m finishing up my first class, and already unexpected things have happened. I am learning that I can come out from a protective shell and take my time to look around, learn and listen, rather than skittering around trying to find new cover.

 

When I told a friend I thought I was going to take college writing classes, her question was this: after decades of being a professional writer, what is there left to learn? 

 

Oh, so much. 

 

With journalism, a writer must put herself aside and lean on the facts, feelings, opinions and actions of others. In my first class,  The Modern Familiar Essay, I have learned from other writers, from students in my class and my professor how much more interesting it is to show yourself, to reveal your imperfections, and lean into the messiness of life.  

 

In one semester I have learned from Ian Frazier about the nobility of Crazy Horse, how he remained himself from the moment of his birth to the moment he died, how he knew exactly where he wanted to live and never left, how he never surrendered, and when he fought, he fought in self-defense and took nobody with him when he died.

 

I have learned from Annie Dillard’s Living Like Weasels, the effect of looking into the eyes of a weasel, a moment that dismantles the world and plunges the weasel and the woman into a black hole of eyes. From Leslie Jamison, in The Empathy Exams, a glimpse into the job of a paid medical actor, who must feign symptoms and teach doctors in training the art of empathy. From Lisa Knopp, in My Velleity, the less common words that describe emotions; “velleity” is a wish or inclination not strong enough to lead to action, “umpty,” a feeling of being too much and all in the wrong way, “toska” – a term for a longing with nothing to long for, a vague restlessness. 

 

Possessing a wide range of words to accurately and precisely name our emotions, the writer explains, can help us to better regulate our emotions. 

 

I have thoroughly enjoyed being in class with young women and men as they start their adult journeys toward unknown horizons. I secretly love the challenges of learning new communication systems. And I am deliciously grateful for the opportunity I was granted recently to be a graduate assistant next semester and to work with UNO Professor Kay Siebler. 

 

Turns out that successful hermit crabs show some of the same traits as nontraditional students: a bit of boldness and a tendency toward exploration, a willingness to investigate strange objects, and a fighting spirit. They love their shelters, but also the company of like-minded others. 

 

Thank goodness for the growth that leads to finding a more fitting shell.